By John Lind
*
When
I was a little boy a very very long time ago
my
father said to me:
"if
you are a very good boy and grow up to be a really good man,
when
you die you will have a good chance of going to Heaven."
He
pointed up at the sky.
It
was very big and blue with lots of clouds hanging about not doing much.
"Is
the sky Heaven?" I asked.
"Oh
no! Heaven is much much higher than the sky."
"Have
you been there? Have you seen it?"
"No"
father replied.
"So
how do you know it's there?"
"It's
a matter of believing it's there.
You
don't have to see things to believe in them."
"Like
fairies and goblins?"
"No!
No!"
I
could feel his energy changing
as
if he was being bothered by a fly,
"Heaven
is much more important than fairies and goblins."
So
I spent lots of days thinking about this ever-so high-Heaven so far away
and
how would I get there when I died,
apart
from being very good.
Why
did God have to build it so far away?
especially
if one has been very good.
I
would have to be a bird
but
not just any old bird,
I'd
have to be a lark or a Golden Eagle to reach it.
Yes
a Golden Eagle
But
Heaven is so far away I'd get tired and give up.
What
about a plane? They go higher.
And
I wouldn't have to flap my arms.
But
it if the plane didn't reach Heaven
and
ran out of fuel it would crash
down to Earth
and
I'd have to start all over again.
Anyway,
I don't have a pilot's license.
If
nobody has been there or even seen it
even rockets couldn't be sent in the
right direction.
It
must be further than the moon.
What
about a hot air balloon?
I
have not seen any dead people.
Maybe
when you die you get all bloated with gas
so
you can float up there with a big flame under your bum.
As
long as you've been good.
I
must drink lots of fizzy drinks
starting
now.
One
night when I was almost a grown up
I
was lying on the ground looking up at the night sky,
still
thinking about how to get to Heaven.
It
was very dark
No
moon no stars.
It
was an "overcast night"
And
suddenly I realised that I had my eyes closed.
Yes,
I had been looking at the night sky with my eyes closed.
And
the night sky wasn't outside me but inside me.
And
guess what?
It
wasn't even above me but below me.
Yes,
the sky is not above us but below us.
Aborigines
know this.
They
know the sky is below us.
That's
why when they fly in a plane for the first time
they
wonder why they are flying upside down.
A
wise old Aborigine told me that.
So
I stared at the night sky below me inside me
and
realized that I didn't have to get UP to Heaven
No
climbing or flying
just
fall
drop
in
to Heaven.
It
looks very dark and huge. It goes on forever on all sides.
And
I wondered what it would be like
to
fall into it.
And
then I got frightened.
Could
it be THAT place that some grown ups talk about in whispers
and
even tremble?
The
"dreaded abyss"
when you fall into it you never reach
the bottom
it
is so deep
and
nobody knows you have fallen down there
so
nobody misses you.
Father won't throw a rope down and shout
"Hold
on son while I pull you up!"
Mum won't be there to cuddle me close to her bosom.
And
if by then I have a wife or girlfriend
they
won't be able to say
"I
love you"
because
they don't know I'm down there
very
frightened and alone
where
no-one can hear me crying for help.
But
looking down at this dark place
it
doesn't seem to be that 'dreaded abyss'
there
are no high dark cliffs around it.
It
feels more like I'm looking deep deep into the ocean
but
without water and fish.
So
it can't be the ocean.
It's
empty.
But
then I see a movement down there.
And
it's not actually totally dark
because
it's milky.
There
is a lot of swirling going on
like
snowflakes in a blizzard.
But
they aren't snowflakes and it's not a blizzard.
There
are just a lot of white dots
masses
of them.
They
are not even lights.
Just
pin points of light.
And
they move one way
all
together
and
then another way
all
together
and
then they all become still
together
as
if they all know what each other are going to do
just
like those flocks of starlings in the day sky
all
changing direction and creating patterns
together.
Have
you seen that?
It's
awesome.
Clever
people call it
"Collective
Consciousness"
and
"Group
Synergy"
something
like that.
I
realize I am older now - a grown up.
I am mesmerised by these changing
patterns of white dots
twirling
around in circles like Busby Berkeley choreography
or
weaving in figures of eight infinitely
it
seems I am looking at white noise
I
am actually seeing white noise and it's all silent.
And
I find myself falling into the swirling mass.
I
am among them.
And
there is no objection.
None
of these dancing white dots asks me for my ID
or
where I'm from
or
what religion I am
or
how successful I've been
I
start dancing with them effortlessly
No
white dot is thinking, "He's not a good mover."
I
feel no distractions like
"Corrrr!
She's a goodly looker!"
or
"Will
I find my true love here?"
There
is no hustle or bustle or jostling
like
trying to get to work in the rush hour.
No
competition. No destination.
I
don't feel afraid. I don't feel excited.
I
don't feel sad. And I don't feel happy.
I'm
not too hot nor too cold.
I
feel weightless, light,
I
feel welcome. I belong
within
the harmony
of
this anonymous multitudinous solitude
where
we are the secret silent source of Light
and
the eternal Life Force in every form
and
at last... at last...
I
am no longer aware of myself.
*
